It has been a difficult few days. I had an appointment with my doctor in Kitchener on Friday. She told me that the CT scan showed “enlarged lymph nodes” in two locations. The next round of treatment would be with a drug called romidepsin. Dr. McCarren raised the question as to how much more treatment I wanted and suggested that I might decide that it is time to stop treatment. It is clear that I have an aggressive form of cancer which has withstood a lot of chemotherapy. So, it is a question of quantity of life vs. quantity of life.
It was a hard message to give; it was a hard message to receive. I have consulted with various people since and I am at peace with proceeding with treatment. This morning I told Dr. McCarren this. I see this new drug as one more door which is open. I am not sure why I would want to close it at this point. My body is still fairly strong. It is clear though that the cancer is still with me and is progressing quite quickly. I now have five lesions. If it is evident that the treatment is not working, or if the side effects are too severe, then we will stop the treatment. So, I am again in this state of waiting to begin treatment.
It is hard to describe my feelings. I am not without hope that I will be cured. Yet, this weekend I confronted the possibility that I may be coming to the end of my life. I feel very sad about this. I am grateful for the choices I have made and the life I have lived. But, I so want to live more of this life! I have some anger at this disease. There has been also some spiritual confusion. Yet, I also have great gratitude for the support I am getting from people such as you. As my mother said “We really need to be praying for a miracle now.” I think this is true, and I continue to be grateful for your prayers. At least there is still one door open for this miricle to happen.
Again I thank you for your support and prayer.